Are you great in bed? Or the worst lover your partner has ever had?
Do we ever really know the answer? Even if you muster the courage to ask the question, our partners may lie to avoid hurting our feelings.
Fortunately, the truth is that there are plenty of giveaways that speak volumes about what kind of lover you are.
Some you can do nothing about (your childhood and sex drive), others you can (being selfish and unkind) and others you may have to work (you are sexually anxious and insecure).
Scroll through these 15 characters – and hope you don’t answer ‘yes’ to too many of them!
Tracey Cox reveals that your childhood and sex drive both play a role when it comes to how you perform in bed (stock image)
You don’t masturbate
There is a direct correlation between how often people masturbate, how many orgasms they have and how much they enjoy sex.
Knowing how to please yourself means understanding how your sexual response system works and which techniques work best for you.
Having regular orgasms — supplementing those with your partner with DIY sessions — also helps keep your libido strong and stable.
You are not very experienced
Practice makes perfect – but it’s not the number of lovers that counts. People who have only had one-night stands have only experienced one type of sex.
Ideally, you would also have sex within a loving relationship to learn to communicate and negotiate your wants and needs. You can also educate yourself about sex by reading or doing research online.
Your sex drive is low or non-existent
Blame Mom and Dad if this is you: There’s a strong genetic link to what determines our “resting” sex drive.
Everyone’s desire for sex is stimulated at the beginning of a relationship. It’s when the relationship moves past its hectic, fresh-meat-fed beginnings that our true level of desire reveals itself. If you’re not that interested in sex, it’s unlikely you’ll bring with you the curiosity and eagerness that great lovers exude.
Tracey Cox (pictured) said it’s better to get through some embarrassing moments than being totally predictable and boring in bed
You are too focused on the orgasm
If you’re judging the success of a sex session by the number of orgasms you’ve had, you’re completely missing the point.
You’ve heard it before, but here’s a reminder: Sex is about the journey, not the destination orgasm.
A thoughtful, erotic lover will try to keep you in the nearly finished zone for as long as possible, rather than racing to the finish. After all, an orgasm only lasts seconds or minutes.
You skip the foreplay
To have great sex, you both need to be warmed up — physically and mentally. Sure, sometimes you’re both so excited that you can have sex right away and that’s fantastic. But mostly – and especially for women – foreplay is not a suggestion, it is necessary for our bodies to prepare for sex. The vagina needs to lubricate and expand for sex to feel comfortable and foreplay is what gets us there.
It’s not just women who enjoy it either: Research shows that the longer foreplay is spent, the more men enjoy sex and the more intense their orgasms, too.
You struggle with body image issues
If you can’t relax during sex, you probably aren’t a good sex partner. If you don’t feel comfortable getting naked, how on earth can you enjoy sex?
Body image issues spoil sex for both of you. Feeling self-conscious and ashamed of your body means you will not appreciate the touch of a loved one; not being able to lick, suck and pet your partner also makes for pretty boring sex on the other hand.
You don’t answer oral sex
It’s one thing to say you don’t like giving or receiving oral sex to a partner (unusual and why deprive yourself of one of life’s greatest pleasures, but oh well). Yet another who expects your partner to give you oral sex and refuses to give it back.
Giving unsolicited oral sex, enthusiastically and because you like to give pleasure, is a mark of a great lover. There’s nothing sexier.
You grew up in a household where sex was seen as ‘bad’
If your parents were deeply religious or conservative, sex was probably rarely discussed. If so, you got the message loud and clear that it was something embarrassing.
It’s easy to internalize early negative sexual messages without realizing we’re doing it. If you have a lot of fear of sex and feel bad about yourself afterwards, chances are this is what happened.
You are afraid to try new things
If you suffer from performance anxiety, chances are you don’t try anything new in bed for fear of making a fool of yourself.
Guess? Better to get through some embarrassing moments than to be totally predictable and boring in bed.
If you don’t have bedroom disasters, you’re not taking any chances and you’re officially stuck in a rut.
You don’t ask what you want (and don’t really know)
Expecting your partner to mind reading what you would like them to do to you is immature and unrealistic.
Sex is not something you are born with: you learn sexual skills through experience and by communicating with your partner about what works and what doesn’t.
If you don’t know what makes you orgasm, how is your partner supposed to do it? If you know, but don’t tell them, what’s the point?
HOW TO BE A BETTER LOVER?
Here are seven qualities that are consistently cited as the hallmark of someone who knows their way around a bedroom.
- Be prepared to learn: I have written 17 books about sex and am still learning new things about it. There is always more to learn. The worst thing you can say to a new lover is, “There’s nothing you can teach me that I don’t already know.”
- Be playful: Sex is meant to be fun, remember? It’s all about having fun, laughing and being cheeky together.
- Be in the moment: Have you ever tried making out with someone who is mentally busy planning their shopping list or what to wear to work the next day? Not fun. Not at all.
- Enjoy giving as much as receiving: You don’t even get to first base without checking this one. A selfish lover is one of the least attractive.
- Be adventurous and like to experiment: Uninhibited, uncensored lovers who are confident enough to risk looking crazy or vulnerable are always at the top of the list.
- Be generous with compliments: Be vocal in how much you love what you experience and see. All compliments are gratefully received, but sexual compliments are especially remembered.
- Be a great communicator: Mouths are great for many things in sex, but especially for talking!
Sex shouldn’t be a quiz where they try to guess your desires.
You don’t ask your partner what they like
Worse than not letting a lover know what you like is not bothering to ask what they do. We all have our quirks: assuming one technique will work for everyone is a common but disastrous sex mistake.
Don’t be afraid to ask if you’re doing something “right.” You can tell a lot from moans and moans and whether your partner is moving towards or away from you. But the best and most effective way to find out what your partner really wants is to… ask them.
You feel offended when your partner gives feedback
Rudely ordering your partner isn’t allowed, but if you get moody when a partner hesitantly suggests you go a little to the left, go harder or softer, you won’t win any Greatest Lover awards.
One of the signs of a truly exemplary lover is that you can take charge without feeling criticized.
Your partners are withdrawn after sex
If your partner becomes quiet after sex and stops, most likely something went wrong during intercourse. Most couples are cuddly and dumb after good sex: you should feel closer and more connected, not distant and dissatisfied.
You want ‘That was fantastic!’ and a huge kiss, no partner that is quiet and broody.
Your partners want less and less sex
The amount of sex you have decreases the longer you are together. Think about how quickly that happens in most of your relationships and you’ll get an idea of how much fun sex is with you.
The better the sex, the longer it will remain a regular part of your relationship. If they come up with excuses after three months, we’ve got a problem, Houston.
You’ve never had an ex who wanted to be friends with benefits
If you have quite a few lovers under your belt and none of them have ever made a drunken booty call or suggested continuing to have sex while you’re between partners, that’s probably not a good sign.
Unusual for not even an ex to ask ‘What about?’. Either the sex wasn’t great, or your breakups are so dramatic and exhausting, you just never stay friends.
You’ll find some exciting new additions to Tracey’s supersex and Edge product ranges at traceycox.com. Her new weekly podcast, SexTok, comes out on Tuesdays.